A Tribute to my Dad

I’ve been debating for several months now on whether I would share something so deeply personal, but I’m doing so not only to help others with their loss but also as therapy for me.  This seems ironic, but I actually have a hard time speaking about my feelings. Teaching and even speaking to massive crowds is a breeze, but when it comes to sharing about how I feel, I simply clam up.  So, writing out my thoughts is my way of therapy I guess.  Please don’t think I’m writing this for sympathy (my mom always said if I wanted sympathy, to look it up in the dictionary)  But I truly want to help others who may have lost a loved one recently as well. Not that this will take away the pain or loss, but simply make you realize that you’re not alone in your grief.

You see, exactly 1 year ago today I lost the closest person in my life- my dad.  (I’m very close to my mom too- she’s one of my best friends)

My dad and I have always been extremely close. Even before I was fully delivered, my dad was holding my head up and I grabbed onto his thumb. My mom said I had him wrapped around my finger ever since.  I’m not even sure why, but I’ve always been a daddy’s girl.  We understood each other like no one else, probably because we were so much alike.  Both hard working, creative, slightly opinionated, and very stubborn.

My dad was the smartest person I know.  He was a jack of all trades and could make, build, paint, or fix just about anything.  He loved music and played trombone his whole life; I guess that’s where I got my musical gift from.  (I used to be a music teacher).   My favorite times with my dad were us playing duets together- he would play trombone while I played piano.  “No Marlena, start at measure 3 and slow it down a little”.   I don’t know who loved that time more- my dad or I.

Every month we’d go on a “date” and would go to dinner then go shopping or sight seeing.  The entire night he would reminisce of his younger days or when he and my mom were dating. He’d go on for hours just talking, but I didn’t mind as I knew he loved his life and wanted to share his memories with his only daughter.

My dad was someone that always made my day better.  When I came home from school after being made fun of for being the chunky kid, my dad would always state about how pretty, smart, or talented his daughter was.  I’m not sure how I would have made it through my teen years without such a loving dad.  He always made people laugh with his corny jokes and would give the biggest bear hugs. My Nonnie nicknamed him “Teddy Bear”.

I knew for quite awhile that I didn’t have much longer with my dad as he had been slowly losing his health.  There’s nothing worse in this world than watching someone you love so much slowly slip away and not being able to do a thing about it.  Nothing prepared me for the day when my dad told the doctors that he didn’t want to suffer in the hospital anymore and wanted to go home.  That final month with him was spent wondering if today was “the day”. It was difficult sleeping each night wondering if when I woke up, my dad would be gone.  The sound of the oxygen tank still causes me nightmares.

I would sit by his side and watch him sleep- the outer shell of the dad I once knew.  Barely breathing, eating, or even talking.  Just moans of pain and grasping for air- sometimes turning blue, causing sheer panic for my mom and I. I don’t wish that experience on anyone.  I kept praying for a miracle, hoping that the dad I once knew would come back- even for just 1 day.   The dad that would talk endlessly for hours, drink his coffee while watching cheezy John Wayne movies, and crack himself up with his corny jokes.

The day that he passed, my mom and I just knew it was going to be his last day.   I thought I would be strong enough to see him go, but I just couldn’t bring myself to see him take his last breath. I have many regrets for that, but I didn’t want to remember that moment. I wanted to remember all the good memories with my dad.   My mom stayed by his side while I gave him a kiss, told him how much I loved him, and said my goodbye.  I drove around town aimlessly in a foggy daze, crying, and secretly hoping this was just a nightmare. When my mom called, she said “I think you should come home now.”  That’s all she said, but I knew.

It sounds crazy, but as I drove back to my mom’s house, a sudden gust of wind and leaves blew straight towards me and passed behind the truck.  It was otherwise a calm Fall day.  I truly believe it was my dad giving me one last hug and kiss as the angels carried him away.

There’s not a single day that I don’t think about my dad and miss him like crazy.  I still pick up the phone to call him and tell him all about my day.  If I could give up every item I own, every penny in my bank account, and every level of “status” or whatever else is connected to my name, I would.  I would give it all up just to spend one full day with my dad, because I just miss him that much.

Dear Dad,

I miss you so incredibly much, and wish you were here to see everything I’ve been doing.  I’m hoping you are proud of your daughter, as you definitely were an influence on her life. I know you’re still with me as I feel your presence, but it’s just not the same here anymore without you.  Mom misses you too, but we try to be strong for each other as I know that’s what you would have wanted.

I still have your trombone and will keep it safe.  I also still play the piano from time to time- hopefully you can hear it. I send a prayer your way every time I sit down to play. I’m a bit rusty, but at least I’m still playing!  I finally made it to Paris and Italy- I took lots of pictures and went to places I thought you would like. Don’t worry dad, the business is doing pretty good and I remember all your advice. 

I love you with all my heart…


  • He sounds like an amazing dad!!! You are lucky to have him watching over you 🙂

  • Maitri

    Lovely post Marlena, thanks for sharing such precious memories with us.

  • Marlena, I’m so very sorry. I know exactly how you feel as I lost my wonderful dad in April. I’m sad for me, for my kids, but mostly for my mom. We are both lucky for the time we had with our fathers. Like my dad, he sounds like he was one of the good guys. Sending my prayers and love to you and your family.

  • Calisi

    This is so beautiful… I can relate to your relationship with your dad. My dad is ill and I hope he will hang in there as much as possible not sure what I can do… I can’t think of loosing him…. Thanks for sharing this Marlena!

  • lizzylizz

    Marlena thanks for sharing such personal and precious memories with us. You know as i was reading your post i felt as if i was reading my own story. My dad just passed in may and it was hard to see him slowly loosing his battle but just like you i also feel my dad watching over me. Thanks for letting us know we are not alone in this pain thatjust nothing seems to heal. Much love ans respect going your way Marlena, you’re a great person even if i dont know u you in person i know you are great.

  • I am happy you took the time to write this. I lost my mom when i was 10 to breast cancer and her Birthday was November 2nd so i too have been thinking of her lately. Its been 18 years but i still miss her you never forget all the good memories you shared. As well as the leasons they leave in your heart. I have lived and kept strong as she lived as a single mother. I hope to be able give my daughters the strong relationship although short my mother and I held. I have been following tou many years and can feel your sincerity. Reading this will only show that you are human and also live a real life. Stay strong as you have and I wish you the best. Xoxo

  • Zara

    reading this made me cry having lost my mum to cancer two years ago I understand what it was like watching someone so dear to you fade away and lose their spark . it was heartbreaking. I also hope everyday she is proud of her daughter. I miss her she was my best friend and a hole in my heart is ever present . thanks for sharing your story as I also find it hard to talk about my feelings.

  • Charlotte

    Marlena this is a very special post. Thank you for sharing this with us, how wonderful your father sounded and how lucky you are to have had such a full and loving relationship. Your father’s love will live on in you and he would be looking down and smiling at how well you are doing and making him feel so proud. I hope your mom is doing ok too.

  • What a wonderful tribute to your father, Marlena! I know exactly how you feel. I lost my grandmother July 4, 2011 and my life hasn’t been the same since. She was more than just a grandmother; she was like a mother and a best friend. I’m certain that you can see your dad everyday and I know he’s always with you. God bless and always keep your memories close.

  • filsj

    Marlena, its kind of scary reading this because I am a daddy’s girl. and my dad passed away seven years ago. it’s his birthday today. you are writing down what i have been pondering about to WRITE ON MY BLOG today.

    I believe your dad is very proud of you and what you have achieved! He’s your guardian angel. *big daddy’s girl hugs*

  • singingsiren

    Marlena, its kind of scary reading this because I am a daddy’s girl. and my dad passed away seven years ago. it’s his birthday today. you are writing down what i have been pondering about to WRITE ON MY BLOG today.

    I believe your dad is very proud of you and what you have achieved! He’s your guardian angel. *big daddy’s girl hugs*

  • As much as people isolate their feelings when they lose someone so precious and crucial to them this just shows that we aren’t alone! I have been lost since the day my grandfather died 11 years ago. He passed so close to my birthday ( 3 days after my fifteenth) that I haven’t celebrated one since. It’s always going to be painful, but it’s so important to open up. He is with you every day and proud of what you are doing. I’m praying for you!

  • Saar

    When people say that they’re sad for you or feeling for you personally marlena, they dont always truly mean it. I just cried my eyes out reading that 🙁 I know you dont want sympathy but i couldnt help feeling sad and sorry 🙁
    Keep strong. you’re amazing and beautiful and so pure- your dad will be ever so proud :’) Much love to you x

  • Valentina-Italy

    Oh.. I’m crying…

  • Maria

    I lost my beloved Nonno on July 10 of this year. I’m blessed to have never lost anyone close to me before so nothing prepared me for the pain and grief I feel everyday and its so hard trying to put a smile on my face everyday for my babies. 6 weeks after losing him, my step mother’s dad passed away, I was close to him too so that just blew me away. I couldn’t believe I lost two grandfather’s in only 6 weeks. I know I will never feel ‘whole’ again, I can only pray that the love I get from my husband, kids and friends and family will help me to heal enough so I can live the life I know they wanted for me.

    Marlena, I just need you to know that you make me smile. When I watch your videos I’m happy and I love makeup, always have, but you have taken my love for it and made it so much fun and for that I thank you SO much 🙂 xx

  • Kristin

    Marlena this is a very beautiful, moving tribute to your dad. It is so hard to lose a loved one; especially one that you are extremely close to. I’m sorry for your loss but very happy you had such an amazing dad and wonderful memories of him.

  • goldberryfaery

    Thank you for sharing, Marlena. You were very blessed to have a wonderful father. I have lost my Grandpa, my Dad & my Aunt all within the last 2 years. I miss all of them. They were all very important to me. The things that made sad the most was I wished I had spent more time with them to get to know them more & hear their stories. I have no doubt your Dad is proud of what you’ve accomplished. You have done so well and have a business you can be proud of. I wish you love & many blessings!
    Love, Leora

  • eirini psaropoulou(toninaps)

    i thank you so much for your personal thoughts about the loss of your beloved dad..i cannot place myself in your position but i think you need a huge amount of courage to go to the next level…talking about him…i believe your father is very proud of you and of what you have achieved..you are a really good person because of him..do not forget that..and keep smiling..everyday it will become easier!kisses , Eirini

  • psskclayton

    no doubt, you have made your father very proud. i am sorry for your pain and loss.

  • Stacey

    Everything you said is exactly how i feel about my mum – we were best friends and totally alike. She passed away 6 months ago from breast cancer at the age of 45! I miss her so much and this only increases as each day goes by, how do you ever learn to live without them its like a piece of me has gone as well…

    I was there with my mum when she took her last breath and it was one of the hardest things i have ever had to watch – stilling there and not being able to do anything for her or to take away the pain. I completely understand how you could not watch that and that you didn’t want to remember him like that – i still think about it those last few hours but for me it is something i wouldn’t have wanted to miss either.

    I have many regrets – i should have talked more or understood more of what she was going through etc but i believe everyone has something they wish they had done or said when someone passes away. i don’t know why exactly i am writing this either, maybe for me a form of therapy but i hope it gives you comfort in some way in that your not alone in this.

  • Christy Weber

    This is beautiful. What a blessing you were for each other. Thank you for opening up and sharing this with us Marlena.

  • Oh goodness this brought me to tears I’m so lucky to have both of my parents still alive but lost my grandmother almost two years ago and still wake up at night smelling her perfume knowing she’s been there to remind me it’s ok… Much love and many hugs!

  • jls1885

    I cried when I was reading this. I lost my father 2.5 years ago, but we weren’t close. It still hurts, though, because I didn’t get to say goodbye or even ask why he stayed away for so long. The only thing we can do now is try to make them proud. On the first anniversary of his death, I got a tattoo because I wanted to do something to distract me. I truly believe that they can hear us, so I talk to my father sometimes and it helps a little. Thank you for sharing something to personal. It helps to know you’re not the only one going through something so heartbreaking. The pictures are beautiful, too. You were lucky to have such an amazing Dad. <3

  • Alisha

    What a special thing to do. I feel for you… you are not alone.. this past July I watched my great aunt (the lady who raised me) take her final breath after battling heart disease for several years. I have had many sleepless nights wondering and thinking about memories and special moments. It’s not easy to lose someone who played such a key role in our lives but we must live life right and live for them. Since my great aunt has passed I have changed so much because I know she is up in Heaven truly watching over me and I want to make her proud. My great aunt always worried if I was okay while traveling or anything and I’m sure your father was the same way… think of it this way…now we have wonderful guardian angles watching over us and helping us along our own path. Sending you love and support from Kentucky! 🙂

  • Isabel

    I can see your sorrow; And hope God be with you, and give you strenght Just God can make it easier.

  • So sweet *_* you made me cry.

  • Liz

    Marlena, as I started reading this it brought back much memories of my own dad who i lost 3yrs ago tomorrow. My Pop was much similar to your dad and I had a very close relationship to him too:) I know how who feel to watch someone you love dissappear before your eyes. From being so independent, healthy and strong to weak and dependent on someone else to care of him. I took care of him for about one year til the day the lord called him. Boy, was that a long stressful year, but at least I can say I did my best and my obligation to take care of him, like he always did for me:)I know they are watching over us as our angels and making sure we are safe from harm. I know its hard to those a father but its even harder when they are your best friend!!

  • paisley hayes

    your post made me cry, because it happend to me aswell very recently two months ago I lost my grandfather I was with him for 1 month in hospital, but I am glad that I wasn’t there when he passed away, because I don’t want to remember him in that way. my grandfather was my best friend, and now he is gone too.

  • Jordan

    What a special thing to do. I feel for you… you are not alone..I lost my dad when I was 8 and that was 23 years ago. I saw my dad get worse as he died of cancer. I know you feel as I was a daddy’s girl as well. I wish I had longer with him. Thank you for sharing your memories of your dad who sounds like an amazing person. I’m sure he would be very proud of what you have done.

  • Joanne

    Thank you so much for sharing this Marlena. It was truly beautiful and made me cry. Your father sounds like such a special person and I am sure that his love & support made you who you are today. You were blessed to have a father like that, even though it should have been for longer. I wish I had a father half as wonderful as that. I lost my best friend, my mom, 8 years ago to cancer so it really touched my heart to read your words about seeing someone deteriorate. She died in my arms, something that still gives me terrible flashbacks, so I can’t say that being there is any better. Our loved ones live on through us–never forget that.

  • jenferlyn84

    The connection that you and your father had and still have spiritually is undeniable.

  • Annie D

    So lovely to see a daughter talk about her dad as her everything! I lost my uncle 2yrs ago. And he was everything we(he’s kids and all the cousins had) we was the light of the family!! Marlena this was a great idea! Ur dad is always with u,always taking care of u!

  • I am in tears…I want to go and hug my dad right now and tell him how much I love him. One day it will be too late and I’ll try to spend as much time as I can with him…

  • Melanie

    Darn it Marlena. You made me cry. I am so sorry for your loss. I too am a Daddy’s girl. I can’t even begin to imagine. I know your dad is very proud and looking out over you

  • Melanie

    Oh and this was beautiful written.

  • Valushi

    Dear Marlena,

    I lost my mum 2,5 years ago and of course I still miss her every day. I have the same relationship with her that you had with your father apparently.

    The first year of her death was very important to me and it allows me to lighten the pain, I don’t understand why.

    This experience is life changing.

    Be sure things will be better with time although the absence and the void will be the same but you will be able to accept it if this is not already the case.

    Sorry for my English, I am french…


  • Valushi

    And Marlena you are right about the signs…I had them the day my mother passed away…

  • Soo nice that u had a good relationship with ur father I always wanted to be or wish to say I was a daddy little girl. I love story likes yours. Marlena may the Lord keep u and bless u and I wish u all the blessing in ur success. God bless and much love. PS I love ur tutorial videos on makeup I do learn a lot.

  • Denise

    marlena as soon as i started reading this you brought me to tears… its great that you are doing this and letting your fans read something so personal about you=] I think you are an incredible person and you have always been my favorite youtube guru… Its great how far you have made it and you inspire me everyday 🙂 My only wish is that you made more videos lol.. I wish you the best of luck you definety deserve it!!!

  • Daniela

    I read this and cried so much. My heart goes out to you and all those who have lost someone so special and dear to them. I’m sure your dad is your biggest fan an even though he has passed on he will forever be your guardian angel! He sounded like an amazing person and he will always be by your side no matter what! Your his little girl and be will forever protect you and be with you spiritually. Thanks for sharing with us something so personal and may you find some type of comfort from our comments.

  • Marlena, such a beautiful story you shared with us. Remember to talk to him out loud, he hears you and is with you, so talk to him about your day, your ups and downs. You both will love it.

  • Lori

    This was wonderful Marlena. I lost my Dad 20 years ago this Christmas and while there are some tough days I can smile at many memories now. He is never far from me.

  • Thank you for a million different reasons.

  • Marlena , i broke down crying while reading this , my dad passed away this week and i relate to you , especialy the part about wanting to spend another day with him , i feel you and i hope his soul is watching over you

  • Marina

    Marlena, Such a touching story and i believe that you have done good to others by doing so.

    You are extremely lucky that your dad loves you so much and he was part of your life. So many like myself had fathers who are alive but never treated them like their little girl. I am 27 now, my dad still alive, and have no contact with him. He never built a relationship with me and my gradparents even had to pay for my nappies because he wouldn’t.

    I have a dad but i don’t have a daddy. I have a mum but i don’t have a mummy. All i had was myself growing up.

    Im not looking for sympathy either. But ion your loss im glad to know that your dad loved you so much, it truly is such a beautiful thing which i wish i had when i was growing up.

    All the best Marlena and am a big fan of what you’re doing for us ladies.


  • ana

    Marlena, you are such a beautiful person on the inside and out. And you were so lucky to have such a wonderful relationship with your father. It takes a good man to be that kind of father. We can loose things in life, but the love and memories you have with your father no one can take from you. I really think your date nights were great . I read a book not to long ago about raising little girlsand it talked about dads taking their daughters out on dates and making them feel like a queen. It would also teach them how a woman should be treated. That was so wonderful of your dad to do that many years before this book was even written. My prayers go out to you and your mom tonight, try and not be sad but remember all the goodtimes. God Bless:)

  • lisa narbert

    Marlena, I cried reading this with you. Prayers to you and your family as you celebrate your fathers life. He is always with you. And one day you will meet again. xoxo

  • Brokenone

    Marlena- Thank you for writing this post. I lost my sister almost 3 years ago, and it still feels like it just happened. So many emotions that still run so deep, and probably always will. In the pictures you posted you can see how much your dad loved you- in all the pictures you never see his eyes, because they are always on you 🙂 I thought that was so sweet. Thank you again, take care.

  • Mary

    Marlena, although I do not know you personally, your story brought tears to my eyes. Losing an amazing parent is one of the most difficult things most of us will have to go through in life. You did your best to be there for him. I am sure you were a great daughter and that he would be very proud of you.


  • Dee

    Marlena – thnx for sharing something so personal. As a person who experienced loosing my father (going on 8 yrs) even though its been so long the memoeries of it all are so clear and still feel as if it was just yesterday. Its strange but comforting at the same time to know that others can feel so much of the same as you. We take for granted tht we aren’t the only ones in the world tht exsist. Evryone feels pain.

  • Lorraine

    Marlena, I send you a hug and a prayer for you and your Dad. I lost my Dad in August from a two year battle with Liver Cancer. Like you, I’m a complete Daddy’s girl. I’m so much like him and miss him so much. It was so hard to see him suffer, but I was by his side till the last. I miss him so much every day that; like you, I would give it all up to spend one more day with my Dad. I want to Thank You for sharing your story. You have given me hope to continue to take one day at a time. (and know that my Dad is always at my side)

  • Marlen

    Dear Marlena,

    Thank you for sharing such a touching story with us. I know exactly how you feel because I lost my mom five years ago. While I was reading your story, I was in tears because it brought me back some memories while I was taking care of my mom. Right now, I’m expecting a daughter and I wish I can have my mom here, but one thing that makesme stay strong is to know that she is watching over me from heaven and she is very proud of her little girl.
    Marlena, just remember that your dad is always watching over you from heaven. Also, remember the best moments that you spent
    with your dad and that would help you to stay strong.

    May God bless you and your family


  • Kerikaris

    Marlena, Just be happy that you enjoyed time with him. While me I just saw him 3 times in my life just because he wants to give us a better life.. Memories are forever.. Your dad is an Angel that always take care of you.. And he is in peace..
    Take care..

  • Dana

    :(….abt a year ago i lost my dad too….dearest person in the world to me.I can truly say,i understand u completly and beyond that.Cant tell u to be strong or how sorry i am for u too, just becouse…. words are words….I never really understood someone who lost a close person till i didnt loose him… Im happy and proud of u that u can even express your feeling abt him( i still cant). Just trying to keep possitive and dont cry too much cos he came one of my many dreams with him and told me to stop crying ( i know it sound crazy , but its true). I belive one day we`ll see them again. U`re a great person, and its first time i write u even if i follow or see your every post. Hugs, Dana

  • Alex

    Thank you for sharing. You’re story is very similar to mine but I lost my dad 10 years ago. You are an incredible person.

  • Bibi

    What a beautiful tribute, you made me cry! May his soul rest in peace for eternity and I wish all the best in life

  • Lisa

    Oh marlena, I just lost my dad on sept 3rd 2012. It was two months yesterday and Im still in denial. I’m trying do hard to remain strong. I’m 20 going to be 21 in january and still can’t believe he won’t be here. My dad and I were just as close and he loved his,John Wayne movies also. Lol we talked all the time and the last time I saw him well was jan 3rd 2012. See I moved to Chicago with my sister and even though my mom and dad came and spent the holidays with us it still feels like it wasn’t enough. The last time I hugged him was jan of this year. ..I just find it hard to believe he’s not here. Ironically enough for years I begged of a family portrait. I was tired of pasting to pics of my self with mom or dad or my big sister so finally last year I was able to get that picture. And a big family thanksgiving and Christmas…I just didn’t think it would be my last with my daddy. 🙁 marlena you are in my prayers and so is everyone else who has ever lost a loved one. You feel like you can’t go on but you know they would want you too. So let’s all keep strong together. Blessings. <3

  • Oh Marlena,

    Fortunate enough I guess, I haven’t experienced this pain in my life so far, but each words of your’s gave me a gush of unknown pain and my eyes were filled up. Now it says so clearly why you are such a sweet lady. You are the first beauty guru I subcribed years back. I loved your simplicity form then on. You still are the same. I am sure the feelings are so strong towards your Dad and it will never fade away and you don’t need any consoling words because you are strongs as well. Just felt like telling you that we all love you and Your Dad is watching over you and he is 100% proud to see his little girl been loved and praised in this worldly world.. Please pass my regards and love to mom as well.

  • i did nt even read the whole thing Marlena.. its so emotional…. it makes me value my dad even more now.. 🙂

  • lBanuelos

    Tuesday, 11-06 will be ten years that my dad passed away and I still cry as it was yesterday. My dad and I also had such a beautiful relationship, myself being his youngest, I knew he was all mine! The pain doesn’t go away,we just learn to live with it. Xoxo

  • Xiomara

    Dear Marlena, I usually never let a comment, and just read you drinking a glass of milk, but this time I thought I had to send you a message. Sorry for my English, I’m not very good at this, I’m french. But that’s another story ! My dad had his 2nd cancer a few months ago. He’s still with us, and the cancer is gone but we don’t know when it will come back. And the doctors said he won’t survive a 3rd one. I can’t even think about what you have been through and I wanted to say that your courage and the love of your dad makes you stronger everyday. I’m sure he’s watching after you and your family every single day. I hope I will be as strong as you the day it will happens for me. Thank you so much for sharing this with us, and keep going straight ahead and enjoy every moment with your loved ones (I’m sure you already do it). xoxo.

  • pâte à crêpe

    Dear Marlena,

    My dad passed away 2 years ago, and please know that your words are helpful. You sharing your loss is blessful.

    I’m sorry for my english, I’m a french girl but one thing you say make me want to share a piece of my story with you.

    My dad died (he had lung cancer) after 3 days and night in hospital with my mom brother and sister holding his hand. We didnt’ see the end coming so soon, the cancer had been detected juste 2 months ago.

    I see these 3 most hard days of my life like a travel to death were we all accompany him slowy where a place far from his suffer.

    But deeply in my heart, during this journey, I didn’t want to see the last breath. I founded this too dramatic, too simple, I didn’t want the suspense “is it the last?” It’s was too “organic” to down the earth (my english is too poor to describe what I mean)

    I was very ashamed of this thoughts during all those 3 days and I didn’t share this with the rest of my familly.

    The sunday morning at 8:00, I suddenly felt the urge to call my viola teacher, (I’m a music teacher too, my dad played the piano and the duets with him are the best moments too for me). He’s like my second dad a spiritual guide for me. I still don’t know why I HAD to call him. I get out the room, I called, left a message and while I was hanging down, my brother in law gets out and say to me it’s over.

    I was horrified, I felt gulty to have abandonned him. I found me a coward.

    I was very confused, I’m not a religious person and I usually dont’ like symbols, but it was so confusing: me, this phone call to that personn and my dad dieing while I was gone.

    I finnally choose to think that my dad made me this last gift to me his daughter, to spare me from the thing I was the most afraid of, see him actually diyng.

    It’s very diffciult to write this, it’s so painfull, but I hope I can make you feel better with you regret. Don’t be. As far as I know you, you are an incredibly generous person.

  • citrine

    I cried while reading your post. It is beautiful and so very touching. I love the photos, too. The look in his eyes speaks volumes about his adoration for you. Think how proud he would have been to see you grow in to such an amazing woman. That is the best gift we can give a parent or grandparent who worries a lot about us.

  • Kathy

    Marlena ,
    This is a beautiful tribute to your amazing father . I lost my sweet dad 1 1/2 yrs. ago to pulmonary fibrosis. Our relationship was much like the one you shared with your dad , maybe they have met in heaven . They definelty share their love of John Wayne movies and corny jokes 😉 .
    I know how you feel about the sound of the oxegyn tank , it just brings me back to that awful time .
    Your dad will always be with you as mine is with me , although not in the way we would like . But if you look closely , they send us signs all the time .
    Love you Marlena ,
    Kathy C.

  • Onondaga Lisa

    Thank you for the honor of being able to read your tribute. I cannot come up with words that would do justice to the emotions you’ve evoked. Your Dad is no doubt impressed with you and your accomplishments. ~hug~

  • Kim

    Marlena, I am so touched by the strength you showed by posting this. I have never been close with my dad, but my mother was my best friend. My life hasn’t been the same since I lost her – and it’s been 7 years.
    I was with her every moment, every second holding her hand as she suffered and battled through the cancer that ended up taking her life at the age of 41. I’m not sure the pain ever goes away, and for me it hasn’t always been an easy road to go down without that person you looked up to and loved so much.
    I went back to school and became a cosmetologist (something I’ve wanted for SO long) and I knew that my mom would have been proud of me that day I recieved my diploma and became licensed. And that was also the day that I cried the hardest – questioned everything I knew and couldn’t be completely happy even though I’d finally accomplished one of my biggest dreams.
    I graduated on my little brothers’ birthday who had passed away in March (just 7 months before). He would have turned 27 that day, and I found myself asking why it was him that had to go and not me – why my mom, the vivacious and loving person who just wanted everyone to be happy and not me?
    Thank you for sharing this, for giving us all a chance to share in the sweet memories you have of your daddy. I’m sorry, so very sorry for your loss – but know that Heaven must have needed another angel to take someone so special. And there is no more pain, no more suffering where your daddy is now. And he’s smiling down on the part of himself he left behind… you!
    Wishing you so much love and blessings. XoXo

  • vivi

    Thank you for sharing, as sensitive and emotional as I am , I cried….

  • Kristy
  • Sara

    Just wanted to say that the we can’t truly know how much people mean to us until they are gone. We do not know what true joy and love is until we experience death and sorrow of our loved ones. My father has just begin losing his health, and I hate waking up to a new day knowing that there will be more bad news than the day before. It is up to me to be strong and help him through this. It is not time for me to be selfish. It is not about me right now. It is his time. My parents have been divorced for a really long time, and my dad is not in a relationship. I do not have a mom that will help my dad through it. Marlena, thank you for sharing your heartfelt thoughts. There are not two ways about it. It just plain sucks.

  • Hi Marlene– I’m so sorry for your loss. I hope I don’t experience that in my life time, but I know it’s something that can’t be avoided. Life is tough, but we have to keep going. You are very lucky to have had such a great dad and friend. Just remember that other people have it much worse. Thank the lord for your blessings. That is how I keep strong with my personal issues. There are devastating things that we as humans must live with. Take care Marlene and keep strong girl! You are awesome, your parents did really good! 🙂

  • Ashley D.

    Wow. Seriously this brought tears to my eyes. I’m so sorry for your loss. Thanks for sharing it with us. Your dad would be proud of how successful, beautiful, and of what a wonderful person you have turned out to be.

  • Alicja

    My dear, sweet girl. You’re such wonderful and beautiful person!
    I wish you all best!
    Thank you so much for sharing with us. Life is hard and such lost change everything, but that’s how the world works. I do believe in God and I do believe that one day I will meet all the people I’ve lost.. so that’s consoling.
    Huge hugs for you, beautiful angel!

  • olivia dias

    I cried so much reading your post…my father died of cancer 3 years ago and he was my best friend and the best dad in the world and I miss him so much…
    thanks for sharing with us such lovely feelings

  • Tina

    Melted my heart… <3 I believe he is very proud of you…

  • JanetB

    Marlena, thank you so much for sharing this tribute to your dad with us, I cried like crazy while I was reading. this. I have been also a daddy´s girl. Don´t regret anything about that last day, he knows exactly how much you love him and now he is an angel taking care about you and your mom. Besos linda!! You´re a very nice person

  • Ladan

    Marlena, I am
    deeply sorry for your loss. No one knows what you went and are going through. Thank you for sharing such personal memories
    of your dad. I can’t image what it would
    be like… I have been following you since the beginning and I wish you all the
    best. Will you be in Toronto for the
    IMATS?? Ladan, Toronto

  • Wendy

    Wow! That brought tears to my eyes because my dad was the same way. He could build anything..give him wood of any kind and he would make something out of it. He was mcguyver and found solutions to everything. Give him a mic and he will sing his heart out. He was also in the hospital..very ill. He came home and a week later The Lord brought him through the gates. It’ll be 2 years in feb. and there’s not a day that I don’t think about him. Our dad are our guardian angels. Although they’re not physically here they’ll always be alive in our hearts.

  • Zabargad

    U keep me cry hope u all the best and i am sure that ur father proud of u

  • Zabargad

    In 2nd november we lost too our great president “Zayed”he was more than a father
    God bless them

  • Touching. What a special relationship <3

  • I won’t this year, but am hoping to by next year 🙂

  • I’m SO sorry for your loss too 🙁 BIG hugs!

  • kate

    Sorry about your loss I just lost my grandma this Oct 29 2012 so everything is still very raw. I hope it gets better ;-(

  • Nohemi

    That was beautiful, thanks for sharing. May God give you strength and comfort!! <3

  • Maria

    I wanted to say am sorry for your lost and tell u tht u were a lucky girl to be able to spend your whole childhood with him. I lost my dad when I was only 6 yrs old I have lil memories of him I was daddy’s lil girl he would buy me lots of toys n take me with him almost everywhere he would go I love when he would take me to the river in the horse. It’s been 19 yrs tht he’s been gone and just thinking of him makes me cry I sometimes talk about him with my sister she was only 2 so she could know how he was. But god is so big tht he said me the most wonderful gift my baby girl tht looks just like my dad she has those big dark brown eyes tht my dad did n every time I look at her she reminds me of him.
    I know is hard for u right now but just remember tht now he’s ur guardian angel tht is ride by your side he was with you on ur trip to Paris n Italy he was always by ur side taking care of u n I know he is the same as my dad. One day when I was walking home from school I herd someone called my name but I ignored it, then I herd my dad voice calling me n I turned n saw tht I was almost going to be hit by a car n I moved out the way, there I knew my dad is looking out for me n I know ur dad is too. Listen to this song it remind me of my dad in heaven smiling down at me it’s called “somewhere over the rainbow” by Israel kawakawiwo’ole I herd it when I was reading the part of u going home n the wind and I picture ur dad hugging n saying bye. Stay strong I know it can be hard sometimes n all u do is cry n wish u get to hug them or see him one more time just close ur eyes n remember all the good time u had with him n cry is good to cry n let out.

  • GiantsFan

    this is so sad. You express yourself beautifully in words. I’m sorry for your loss. You do look like your Daddy though and he should be so proud of you!!! I think your wonderful. Thanks for sharing.

  • Falicia

    This made me cry!! I lost my mom and dad three years ago three months apart from one another. This surely hit home! like you shared a musical talent with your dad, my dad and I shared a poetic talent. Everyday is a struggle wondering how life would be if they were still here. But I keep the faith and try to stay strong.. Stay strong Marlena I am sure your dad traces your footsteps!

  • That was a beautiful tribute to your dad. He was a gift to the world, so loving. I had tears of sadness and joy when reading about your father. Thank you for sharing your feelings.

  • Heather

    I am sorry to hear of your loss- your dad sounds like an amazing person. Also, even if you are needing some sympathy, that would be ok 😉 Don’t be too hard on yourself – that is normal! (I am a therapist and feel sad when people have difficulty expressing their feelings). Thank you for sharing this and expressing – you have such a good heart.

  • aileen

    Wow Marlena what a beautiful story. I know how hard is to lose a love one, I lost my mom when I was 12 yrs old and it took me a long time tolet her go but what you felt with the winds and the leaves I felt something similar. Its hard but it helps to talk about it specially with people that went thru it. Love both your website, take care

  • Meezy

    I know you cried as you wrote this Marlena, but it’s beautiful. Thank you for sharing.

  • Majbritt

    I am truly so sorry Marlena, there is nothing else I can say:(
    I’m crying my eyes out right now I just cannot imagine
    Truly, truly sorry:(

  • I couldn’t help but cry reading this story. This was very strong and courageous of you to share this with your fans and readers. I have a very strained relationship with my own father, but always wished we could be closer. I haven’t lost a parent yet, but neither of my parents are in great health. I think about what’s to come and I worry about how it will feel. Thank you for this post and for sharing your special bond with him, with us.


  • Ivette

    I’m deeply sorry for your loss Marlena. And just know that you’re not alone. I lost my sister in 06′ she was in the hospital for 6 weeks and I know how it feels to wake up and think “Is today the day?” They were the longest 6 weeks of my life and I was so scared. I remember crying at night praying to God she got better. When she finally did pass my mom and sister were there with her. I still remember everything. When you see the strongest man you’ve ever known. My Dad, break down on his knees crying because he loss his daughter it broke my heart, and it still does. I always try remember the good memories instead 🙂 because there where a lot of them too 😉

    In 08′ my mom was in a car accident she was going to take my brother to the dentist and I was her, my brother, sister, and nephew. A semi truck cut her off and she went down the side of the FWY. My brother broke his thumb, and had head bumps, my nephew (at that time 10 months old) only got a scratch in his little hand and was his cheery self when we got to the hospital. My mom got a hematoma on the right side of her face. It was so swollen she couldn’t eat through a straw. I remember staying with her that night feeding her. And well my sister died on the scene of the accident 🙁 That was such a great pain to go through we never expected anything like this to happen. It’s amazing how life can change in the blink of an eye.

    I know that with time you will feel better, but it doesn’t matter how long it’s been it will always hurt because you love the person dearly! I just want to thank you for sharing your story with us and to let you know that you’re not alone in your grief.
    Much love for Los Angeles

  • Lily

    Dear Marlena, I’ve just read this post and I’ve started crying. My father has got emphysema and I know he hasn’t much to live (he’s almost 89). Unlike you, my relationship with my dad has never been special, he’s a difficult man, he has never told me “I love you” so as a result I never told him :i love you” back, My mom passed away years ago, I’m an only child, I live in the US whereas he lives in Italy. I’m in Italy right now to take care of him (he’s ok and alive thank God), but I know one day I will follow your path and I hope to find the strength to face his final moment and the life without the one parent I have left. Thanks for opening up your heart to us, I will re read your post again to find some strength, when the time will come…

  • RC

    I lost my mom just 8 weeks ago. It was very unexpected, as she had no health problems and was fairly young. It was absolutely devastating. Anyhow, I just happened to stumble upon your entry, and I thank you for sharing something so deeply personal, as I truly know how difficult the loss of a parent is. Take care.

  • Angee

    What a beautiful post with beautiful memories. This August marked the 20th anniversary of my Dad’s death. I lost him when i was 17. I miss him most because i didn’t get to know him very well even though he lived in the same house with me all of my life. Your Dad raised an amazing lady who is able to connect with strangers all over the world. I know he’s proud of you. 🙂 I’m sorry for you loss.

  • Breanne

    I cried just reading this not just because i lost someone per se but it is so touching and so real my heart goes out to you Marlena Stay strong you fabulous lady 🙂

  • Gemma

    Oh Marlena, that was such a lovely thing to share & so well put. I myself lost my dad 3yrs ago to cancer, we were lucky and it was quick in the end. We also had a very close relationship. I cried so much reading this, it reminded me of my dad, he loved his John Wayne movies & drinking tea!! We were also so alike, which I think is a blessing now as I still feel close to him. I miss him every day but the black hole inside does slowly ease & you learn to remember all the fun times. If it’s any help acupuncture works wonders for all the times you feel ‘bottled up’.
    Just one last thing, I’m sure where ever your dad is, he is looking over you & is ridiculously proud of his daughter. xxxxxx

  • Maggie

    Very sad story, made me cry 🙁 but I want to thank you for sharing it because you made me realize how important is to have a deep connection with our dads, I still have my dad alive ( thank God) and I can’t imagine loosing him! I know that day will come, but for now I’ll enjoy him all I can and let him how much I love him. Wish the best Marlena, and may God give you the serenity and strength to continue being the great, friendly, lovely, angel and gorgeous person you are inside and outside! Blessings! 🙂

  • I just wanted to say thank you for being so brave and share this with everyone. Is not a small thing to talk about your personal things with people that you barely even know or never met! Your father grew up a very nice woman that is responsible, talented and smart. You make your family proud, I have no doubt!! Keep up the good work and keep inspiring people like your father did with you. Good luck!

  • Annavi

    I lost my Grandma when I was 11 years old. I was very close to her, (I’m close with my mom and my sister, but my Grandma was my everything) She spent her last two years living in my house and the last 6 months where in the hospital. I was the only granddaughter brave enough to see her in the her last two days. At that point, she wasn’t recognizing her 4 other daughters, she only recognize my mom and me. She looked at me and told me she loved me and hug me for a long time, at that point I was still hoping for a miracle. I’m now 22 years old and just to think about her makes me cry. I still can’t come to terms with losing her, I miss her like crazy. I often think on how different things would have me if she still was in my life. I know that she is now in a good place, without suffering…I like to think that I am who I am because of her, I like to think that she is proud of the woman that I’ve become.

  • I have been following your YouTube channel for about 2 years now and have always been in absolute awe of you. Today I watched one of your weight loss videos and came across to your personal blog and read this entry. The tears came streaming down with the first paragraph. What you have overcome and the strong love and respect you have for your parents is a beautiful beautiful thing. I am sure your dad is incredibly proud of you. You’re a stunning woman who has experienced the ups and downs of life and chooses to live beautifully inside and out.
    I look forward to all of your future videos – and I hope to hear more of your travel adventures..

  • M_Mingo

    Just beautiful! I’m sitting over here crying away :’) I lost my grandma almost 2 years ago now. She was the most amazing woman and i think of her all the time. I regret not being able to make it back home for her funeral to say my final goodbye and pay my respects. My brothers said it was very hard seeing her like that and I too did not want my last memories of her lying in a coffin, I wanted to keep the good ones close to my heart. My Mom gave me her cross necklace and on my wedding day I got her wedding ring. I keep those close to me and hold them in my hands and talk to her. I still feel her with me. It sure helps to write things down it is very therapeutic! Sending hugs to you…your father would be very proud!

  • Debbie (Greek Godess)

    how beautiful,,, he lived the life of a king, cause he had the love of his daughter… xoxox

  • joyfulme

    I know just how you feel…my Wonderful Dad passed away on Dec.8,1981, when I was 27. My son that worshiped him was 3. My Dad was 59…being 20 days away from his 60th Bday. He was on oxygen also. My Mother,my son and I went to the store and when we came back he was on the bed and had passed away. We were all heartbroken. He had give me such a great life and he loved his grandson so much…I think he lived for him! I was also a Daddy’s girl and always wanted to go with him when he would leave…especially when he went to feed his cattle and horse. To give me peace and comfort, I keep all the memories that were made with us close to my heart. My Mom is still alive as we speak and she is 88 yrs. old. I know there will come a time when I have to say goodby to her but until then I wil continue making memories with her. So always keep those memories close to your heart..when someone you love becomes a memory that memory becomes a treasure!

  • Lea

    Hi Marlena, reading your post brought tears to my eyes as I remembered my father who passed a few years ago. Your father and mine had a lot in common. Mine was also a jack of all trades, a musician, would take me on “dates” and ALWAYS had corny jokes and did I mention that he LOVED westerns, weird. Even more strange is a similar experience that I encountered the day that he passed. Just like the gust of wind that you mentioned (which gave me goosebumps) I experienced something just as strange. While on my usual walk on a summer Colorado day, a very light and beautiful rain began to fall all over me. It hardly ever rains over here. The next day I found out that my father had passed away in New Mexico. Just like you, to this day I believe that was my dad’s way of saying his last good-bye to me. I’ve never experienced a rain like that since that day. Since his death I’ve learned loosing a loved one is much like loosing a part of your own body. You learn to live with it but you are never the same. Thank you so much for sharing your story, it was truly amazing.

  • Rosita

    Marlena thanks a lot for this… I lost my dad too two years ago and I understand exactly all the feelings you describe here…I cried and made a prayer for all those loving parents that are watching us from heaven…I never imagine behind your smile you were hiding this pain…God bless you

  • To have someone so beautiful on the inside and out, is a parent’s dream come true. I am certain your father is looking down proudly!

  • L. Whitmire

    Dear Marlena- Thank you for sharing your story. I lost my dear grandmother just over one week ago. I purposely went to your site seeking guidance on losing a loved one, as I remember you mentioning losing your dad in a video. I was grateful to see your story. I too experienced the final days you describe but was not there for my grandmother’s passing. I will tell you, my cousin had the same experience with the wind and leaves…on an otherwise very calm day. Your dad seemed like a wonderful person and father. Thank you for being so inpsiring and again, for sharing your story.

  • paty

    Thank you for sharing, Marlena. I lost my dad a year ago, and he was the person I loved the most in the world. Your story really touched me. Needless to say, I’m sobbing. Hugs.

  • danaleigh2121

    Thank you for sharing. I lost my dad this year on October 15th and I’m still grieving. We only had 3.5 months with him from the time we found out he had cancer to the time he passed. There are multiple similarities between our dads and it makes me miss him even more. Marlena, you and I are lucky to have had such great dads, even though their lives with them were cut short.

  • babs

    Marlena, I lost my Dad too.. I know about the moments that cause us to want to hold on with ALL that is within us.. Thank you for sharing.. what a beautiful Tribute to a Man who takes such an amazing place in your heart! <3

  • JBR888

    Marlena, stay strong. Thank you for sharing your special bond. My Dad passed on December 24, 2011. He was my hero. The one year anniversary has been a dark cloud over my head. But seeing my makeup friend stay strong helps.

  • Angel

    Thank you for this Marlena…I lost my dad 17 years ago and I relate to your story!! Time does heal the heart but the memories lives forever❤ Blessings!

  • Wanda

    Thanks so much for sharing its wonderful to have had that type of relationship with your dad I am very sorry for your loss just remember he is never gone he will always be with you in your heart and in all your lovely memories. He is surely proud of you..

  • Liz

    Thanks you Marlena for sharing a such a personal journey with your dad. My dad is my hero too, very strong man when I was a little girl. Now my dad is battling Parkinson’s and its hard to see him deteriorating. Yes what you wrote is very healing not only for you but many of your followers. God bless you and your family. Merry Christamas

  • Zuzana

    i got tears in my eyes i wish i had perent who couldt support me like yours im praying for you god whould take care of your dad and if you stay close to jesus he whould heal your sorrows .

  • Suhair

    U made me cry…. R.i.p .
    Wonderful daughter , Im sure ur dad is proud of you .

  • Pamela

    Hey Marlena. Your story is very similar to mine, and my dad passed around the same time your father did. Words can’t describe the pain I feel inside me, but I am glad you posted this. The only thing that comforts me is that I know my dad is no longer in pain. Once again thank you for posting this.

  • Lindsay

    I lost my dad 6 months ago. Finding your post makes me feel relieved that its ok to still miss him so much. Sometime I feel people think I should be “over it” but everyday I miss him even more.

  • zdravsa

    Dear Marlena,

    I almost cried reading this post, I think you were right to wright this, because now we all know he was there, and his memory will survive through you and through this post. I’m not sure I’m clear enoguh…

    Anyway, we now know where your kindness comes from.
    Best wishes,

    PS : Your dad looked a bit like Johnny Cash

  • Shanti

    Thank you,
    I lost my grandparents who raised me 6 months ago from cancer after a 3 year struggle. It is the hardest thing to watch the people or person in your case watch the person you love become so helpless. Or for my grandma, just an empty shell. This post made me cry very hard but it thinks its so amazing how you honored your father. Thanks for sharing this and helping me to remember that I am not alone.

  • Cécile

    Thanks for sharing! I know how your feeling as my dad is battling cancer right now.

  • Erica

    Wow this was absolutely amazing to read. Thanks for sharing. I too have lost a parent and know the pain it can cause. Just always remember he is with you everyday

  • mileydi

    I couldn’t not cry as I read this. I as well consider myself a daddy’s girl. My mom and him are the most important people in my life along with my daughter. I could not imagine being in that situation where I would have to say good-bye to one of them. Just have hope in God, faith that he will help you get through this difficult time.

  • Alex Fazio

    So beautiful, I love connecting with people who had such a strong relationship with their dads as well. I lost my dad in May of 2012, this letter reminded me of the letter I wrote him and read to him the last day I ever got to talk to him

    Thank you for sharing your heart 🙂

  • Tom

    Hi Marlena, your story is beautifully written and it is a blessing you and your dad had this kind of bond that brought love for both of you.

    I just lost my dad last week and I have been grieving since I am getting better but there are times i mourn for a minute or two. Now that he is gone, he took a piece of me with him and so did I. He was old and his time was up and I understand this completely but I miss seeing him around. I dont feel his presence and I wish i could.

    Thanks for your “therapy story” of your dad. It touches a heart. Your dad will always love you and watch over you and you will see him again when your time comes. And so will I. God Bless. Smile.

  • christie

    I was told that when a gust of warm wind hits you. its me giving you a hug and a kiss. It helped me not miss him so much. also making a book of pictures helped too. thank you for sharing

  • fairydragon

    Thanks for sharing. While I am sure that you cannot possibly read all the messages everyone responds with, just in case, I will share this with you. My father and mother devorced when I was 7 and I spent my childhood time with my father crying over the phone wanting my daddy to come home. Many years later when I was grown and understood all the drama that goes with angry divorces I was blessed with some time to get to know and love my father again. We became very close. He past away on august 31st 2000. I have never stopped missing him. It tooks years before I stopped running for the phone to call him with good news. In March of 2002 my boyfriend of then 14 years asked me to marry him and of coarse I said yes and while coordinating the date we agreed on august 31st 2002 (yep 5mo later). I could almost hear my Daddy say on that beautiful day…out with bad and in with the good…that day is forever bless with the thought of both the men I love….
    Carry on Marlena, you are doing wonderful things…God Bless!

  • Reese

    Wow how honest and powerful. Love is a powerful thing Marlena and so he shall always be alive in your heart and you will one day see him again. Your souls are connected he was here to escort you into this world and he will be with you to escort you out. I can only imagine the tears you shed while writing this. Happy tears I hope!

  • Claudia

    You are such a lovely person Marlena. I just know that your dad is watching over you with so much pride and happiness for the beautiful person you are – inside and out. <3

  • smadar

    I was so sorry to hear about your dad, Your story made ​​me cry so loud, deep from the heart as I follow you for years and feel very close to you.
    Your writing touched my heart. As you told us, your father must have been a very special person.
    I’m sure he is very proud of you and watching you from up above
    In Hebrew we say:שלא תדעי יותר צער
    it means that you will not never ever again know sorrow in your life , only happy things and joy and celebrations. cause we love you
    May your dad R.I.P

    God bless you

    Love, Smadar

  • Desire

    brought me to tears. Absolutely beautiful tribute. He would be so proud of you!! Actually, im sure he is!! <3

  • Debbieb

    Wow what a special man he was – so blessed Marlena ♥

  • Cece

    This actually made me cry.

  • Kerrie

    This made me cry reading this, because I am too so close to my dad. He raised my brothers and me single handily for 16year so we have always had that closeness am 25 now and he still calls me his little baby girl and we to have date days where it’s just the two of us going for dinner or shopping. Reading this really makes me think how precious life is and how quickly it can disappear.
    Your daddy is going to be looking down on you so proud of you, you really are a. Beautiful person inside and out, you help so many people including me, i have been watching your u tube videos for years, first to help me get to terms with make up because as I sad I never had a mother role in my life to help me, and now I have watched all of your healthy fitness videos and you have been encouraging me to lose weight. So a personal thank you from me.
    Lots of love from England xox

  • Hildur

    It is really beautifully written, and you can tell just how much emotion and thought you have put in it. I almost cried and kept thinking that I know the feeling. No one should have to see their loved ones die, but unfortunately no one lives for ever.
    Your dad sounds like an amazing dad
    My grandmother is the only one who has always been on my side and always talked to me when I needed it, suffered from breast cancer 5 years ago. She fought it off and everything was good, until a few months ago. Now the doctors have found out that she has lung-cancer. I know it may sound strange, but I see her slowly dying. Every day it gets worse. The worst thing is that I don’t even live in the same country as her anymore. She tries to make everything seem normal, a coping-mechanism I guess, but I see right trough it. I don’t know why, but I know that I probably don’t have a grandmother in a few years.

  • Silvana

    Hi Marlena, you are a great woman and a great person.

  • Bunny Blues

    Marlena, I’m so bummed out I did not discover makeup geek sooner! I just read your story of you and your Father and was so moved. Thank you for sharing your story with us and know that your Father will always be with you and around you. The pictures you posted of you and him are so precious, too. You can tell how much he adored you! 🙂
    Hugs and love, a makeup geek fan from michigan

  • Julie

    Your post brought tears to my eyes – ones of both joy and sorrow. So beautifully written – I can definitely relate. Stay strong – when times are hard, know that he is there for you, somewhere beyond our realm. We all love you very much, Marlena.

  • kmd1005

    Hi dearest Marlena. This is one of the most heartfelt things I’ve ever read. My dad was and will always be my best friend, my rock, and my biggest influence. I will never forgot the times we’ve talked about everything, had lunch, dinner, and made jokes together. He’s the only one who understood me. The same thoughts and memories you’ve had with your dad that I’ve had with mines run through my head and I only wish I could have one more day with him, just one more. I miss my dad every day since he passed in November of 2012 and life has never been the same. I carry on an empty void in my heart but at the same time it’s filled with all my feelings of loss love and heartbreak and memories for my dad.

    I know will will always love our dads forever and nothing will change that, so we must continue on in their memory because though I’ve never met your dad, I am sure he’s like my dad who would want me to keep going on with life and fufill our dreams and aspirations to do something good with our lives while we’re still here.

    I just have a feeling we will see them again and we’ll all be reunited finally.

    My best,

    Kristian 🙂


  • jess F

    I literally cried 🙁 This was beautiful. RIP Marlena’s father. As a reader and viewer of hers, I can tell you’ve raised an amazing woman 🙂

  • Beautiful story that is all too familiar to me. I absolutely agree there is a therapeutic benefit to sharing grief through writing. For years I couldn’t talk about my dad without crying. I have moved forward–I recently shared my own story about my bond with my dad @ http://m.voices.yahoo.com/a-fathers-gift-12051822.html

  • Sarah

    Hi Marlene, my father passed away 2 months ago today. I found myself typing it into google as if I’d get some type of answer for a question I wasn’t even asking. I came across your post and it brought me to tears. My dad also died of an illness and watching this person, your champion in life so vulnerable to mortality is just the hardest thing in the world. I loved reading your story and looking at all your pictures and you’ve warmed my heart so much. I miss my dad too, more than I ever knew possible!

  • Stefanie

    So beautiful. Fathers truly are so, so special.

  • Courtney

    It’s wonderful to read about your relationship, I shared the same exact connection with my father which I am forever grateful for. He passed away 11 years ago, I was only 20 years old and I had just begun to appreciate and understand the person he was and all the knowledge he shared. I have a three year old daughter and when the doctor told me the 5 day span I had to choose my delivery date for my c-section, there in the middle was my father’s birthday and I knew he was and is always around me. I know he would melt over my daughter, because my mom always told me my father changed once I was born and all we can do now is remember the wonderful memories and live our lives but I know my dad does not want me to mourn or cry anymore. He wants me to grow and flourish and show my daughter how wonderful and rewarding life is. You are a gorgeous and genuine soul and I see now more so because the first man in your life taught you how to respect and honor yourself. I always remind my husband he is the first male figure in our daughter’s life and that is so very important! And my marriage certificate became legal as well on my father’s birthday through the court house, it’s my small way of knowing he is around- and one more sign I get randomly in the car or on the radio is the song by Joan Osborne,”What if God was one of Us” it was his favorite, and it plays sometimes or I hear it in the supermarket. Well just wanted to share my warmth with you and know it does get easier but the memories are what keep me strong.

  • Courtney

    by the way November 3 is my birthday…

  • Ana

    So I’m a little late reading this and I don’t even think you’ll see this but just know that I broke down into tears. Mind you, it’s not because I grew up with my father, because I didn’t. The tears are from a happy place because I want to start a family soon and I can only hope that my son or daughter experience the kind of love you felt with your dad with their father. I’m sure you’re dad is looking down very proud of you and somehow he is still right beside you just guiding the way. I’ve been a fan of yours for a really long time and that was before you started opening up to us. Thank you for being you, you’re a great person and you make the world that much of a better place.

  • Ela

    As I was reading this I thought “Don`t cry again!Don`t cry!” but I couldn`t do it..Not only because I`m a very sensitive person and I get sad very easily but because my father died too.It happened so suddenly two years ago.My mother and I didn`t expect it because he wasn`t ill.15 of February will always be a horrible day for us…

  • me mine

    I read some blogs and on some girl mentioned Marlena uses this and that. So I decided on finding this Marlena-not sure why-but im sure glad i did. For about 5 hrs now Ive read articles and watched older and newer vidoes and found this amazing person who is totally herself and are not afraid of showing her most personal stuff without any of us ( you or us) feel like we are peeping Toms ( like some bloggers do)

    And then I found this about your dad and you and your story and I cried,for you guys,for the people who have lost their dads or not been close with him or thos who never had any….Its been 13 years since my dad passed on and my mom passed 23 years ago,a week after my daughter was born.

    Thank you for sharing this Marlena, and yes I belive it was him sending you a last big kiss and Im totally confident he watches over you and follows you and supports you from where he is now. I dont belive in the Soul dying so Im sure he is close all the time. Just ask and he will show you;)

    Angels watch your path


  • I can’t imagine my life without my father. Your story was so beautiful. Thank you for sharing.

  • i cont understand

  • Myrna Banos

    Omg How incredibely sad and uplifting at the same time you are a wonderful person. I am so sorry for your loss.

  • saideep shetty

    Thanks Marlena, to sharing with us. As my PAPA also left this world few days back (17th May) And it was shocking for me because my PAPA was so well & this happened sudden. That day cried so much & for me the whole world was like empty or nothing. I just wanted to talk to my PAPA once again & wanted to know that my PAPA is happy or not. I was feeling emptiness, depressed, dullness or don’t know what. But after reading your tribute to your DAD it was much similar to my story. For me my PAPA was everything and he was GOD in the form of human being & for other people also and there is much more good deeds things to say about PAPA which will not end . ” One thing i will to tell you Marlena that as i misses my PAPA you misses your DAD as well. As I feel My PAPA presence everywhere. As my PAPA used to tell me that that the body gets perished after living this world But the SOUL not which will remain for ever with us.And our Fathers blessing will remain with us forever. Good day

  • Kira-Marie Louise Hundal

    aww its making me emotional. so sorry for you loss. at least he’s not suffering anymore and is in peace. im sure he’s watching over you and he will always live on in your heart.

  • Brad Fyfe

    As a father myself, I can tell you that the your dad would not want you to be sad but just look fondly upon your times you had with him (as you do).

  • What a beautiful tribute Marlena, your love for your Dad shone through. I’m so deeply sorry for your loss and I feel your pain. My Dad died on September 7, 2011 and my world will never be the same. There is not a day that goes by where I don’t think of him and miss him more than words could describe. Like you I’d give up anything to have just 1 more day with him. I was a daddy’s girl as well and my Dad was my best friend, confidant, counselor, sometime banker, a fixer of all things from a leaky pipe to a broken heart. He was my hero who loved and believed in me more than anyone on this earth. My Dad was a man of integrity and great faith who loved the Lord and my Mom (his wife of over 50 years) with all his heart. He was known for his kindness and generosity and his family meant everything to him, especially his 3 girls of whom I’m the middle. His tombstone reads “Hero of Faith and Family” because that’s what he was.

    They say it gets easier but I miss my Dad just as much if not more than on the day he passed and my heart still feels very fragile. I’m so afraid I’ll forget the sound of his voice or the sweet way his eyes would light up and he’d say, hoooooneeey as I walked into a room. The only thing that gives me comfort (besides my faith) is knowing how blessed I was to have him as my Dad and to be his daughter. But it wasn’t enough time and it never would have been.

  • theo84

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  • occ

    that’s a beautiful poem for death hurts people . someday the Lord will come back and change things.

  • cindy

    <3 much love

  • RICO

    Bless you Marlena – that is such a lovely tribute to your daddy. He sounds like a wonderful man. Firstly I must say that I don’t normally post comments – for no particular reason, just not my thing I guess! But in this case I just wanted to say thank you for sharing. By the amount of comments you’ve had it’s certainly had an impact on all of us. I actually don’t quite know how I came across your site to be honest – I live in Northern Ireland and was just looking for inspiration on how best to celebrate what will be my late mums 60th birthday in about 11 days. And I ended up here – the power of google! Grief is so hard and losing a mum or dad is so tough. Reading your tribute triggered so many emotions, the good and the hard ones but reminds us that we’re not alone x I firmly believe your daddy will be with you, keeping a little watchful eye. I know my mums with me but like you said, I’d give up everything just for one day – one hug would do x take care x

  • Pia

    Im so sorry for your loss. 2 months ago, i lost my father too and i was also very close to him. Not being able to say goodbye haunts me every night but my mom and my family would always remind me that wherever he is right now, he wouldnt want to see me beat myself over it. He loved me and he only wants what’s best for me. It is on those nights when i cry for him that he makes his presence known. And i get reminded a lot that life must go on and i must move on so my dad too, will move on. I just find comfort in knowing that one day in God’s time, i will unite with him again.

  • Amanda Lisa

    That made me tear up…youre such a strong person its very brave of you to share this. Thankyou

  • Tatjana

    You made me cry so much. I lost my mum when I was 13, she was only 35 and like you, I’d give everything for a day with her. A hug, a kiss, a chat. Nothing can take the pain away or fill the hole and emptiness we feel once the closest person in our life is gone. Nothing. I feel your pain. So beautifully written. He is undoubtedly proud of you

  • Lauren

    You have me in tears Marlena! He sounds like an amazing man. My Dad was a lot like him but with the farm. Knew that land better than the back of his hand. He was the clown of the family and always doing crazy things. lol God bless you with him and he cherished every moment he had with you. I know he is proud of his baby girl. 🙂

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  • Cristina

    Thank you for sharing, I lost my father this past April and I am very saddens with his passing. I read your story and I felt like it was me describing my father. We are both so lucky to have had Amazing fathers. Cristina

  • Christy Hansen

    This is a very touching story. I miss my dad terribly, even knowing that he is in heaven with our Heavenly Father. I am happy that he was released from his pain, but I still need him for fatherly advice which I may or may not heed.

    We still love you very much, Pops!

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  • Dana Troia

    I know this was from two years ago but you have no idea how much I needed to see this post. I went through the EXACT same thing with my dad. Cancer took him. 7 brain tumors actually. I was with him when he took his last breath. Watching that was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to go. You are right in that nothing can prepare you for losing a parent. Keep up your strength!

  • Jennie

    Hi Marlena,
    Thank you for sharing this with us, it must have been hard. My dad past in 2002 and it still hurts everyday. I miss him so much, he was my best friend, the only one in my family that understood who I was as a person.

  • Jagdeep Kaur

    Miss my dad too… only wish if i could hug him or see him even for just a moment…

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  • Mark Balasco

    Thanks for sharing your personal feelings about your Dad Marlena, my thoughts are with you. He must of been a kind, caring, strong person to have such a wonderful Daughter..a piece of your heart may be missing but it is with him now and always!

  • Karolyn Kellerman

    I just lost my dad on 3.7.15 and everything you said resonated with me. Ugh. That oxygen tank! And the ticking of his grandfather clock that was a constant reminder that time is slipping away.
    I, too, couldn’t bring myself to be there for his last breath. I said goodbye to him and recited his favorite poem. And told him that I felt like he wouldn’t want me to see it happen. So after being there for a week straight, I left and he passed not even 24 hours later.
    But I don’t regret that. He’s always protected me from seeing horrible things with my grandparents. A and he’s always been that protector for me.
    God do I miss him. Like you, I have a business (I make cakes) that he’s been so proud of. And recently following his death, my business had a jump in success. And all I want to do is call him and tell him.
    For now, I just keep listening to the voicemails I have saved on my phone to hear his voice. I am slowly recognizing the signs he’s sending me. And I always look forward to sleeping because I can still talk to him in my dreams like nothing ever happened.
    As I’m typing this, tears are streaming down my face. I feel horrible for feeling thankful that I’m not alone and other people feel the same way.
    Thank you for writing this honey. I’ve been following you for a while now and I know he would be so proud of your success!

  • James Stood